As someone who's spent more time scrolling through real estate listings than is probably healthy, I can confidently say that house hunting is a lot like dating—you might end up with a beauty, a beast, or, heaven forbid, a house with kudzu. Emily Shiffer’s article, "Do NOT Buy A House If You See These Plants in the Yard," paints a horticultural horror show that could make even the most seasoned gardener quake in their muddy boots.
The concept is straightforward: some plants, like some exes, come with way too much baggage—emotional, financial, and botanical. Imagine falling in love with a charming little bungalow, only to discover it's the botanical equivalent of dating a rock star—looks great in photos, but the maintenance is a nightmare.
Take, for instance, the infamous kudzu. Tammy Sons, an apparent connoisseur of invasive plant drama, describes it as "the most aggressive weed on the planet," capable of growing up to 18 inches per day. That’s not a plant; that’s a green, leafy Godzilla. Buying a house with kudzu isn’t a real estate investment; it’s a plot for a sequel to "Jumanji."
Then there’s the sneaky running bamboo. Oh, it'll fill in your bare spots, alright—along with your neighbor's yard, the next street over, and maybe a small country. Bret Douglas suggests opting for clumping bamboo instead, which is like saying if you’re going to adopt a bear, make sure it’s one that doesn’t like to roam. Sure, it’s less likely to annex your entire neighborhood, but I wouldn’t bet my garden gnomes on it.
And who could forget the treacherous Japanese knotweed? According to Matt Slaymaker, this botanical bully is "harder to remove than other invasive species." It’s the houseplant equivalent of that one guest who can’t take a hint when the party’s over. "Oh, you uprooted me? I'll just grow back twice as strong, thanks!"
Let's not overlook the sweet gum tree, with its charming spikey seed balls that Slaymaker warns are a menace to feet and bicycle tires. It's like living with a particularly vengeful fairy tale witch who curses your yard with tiny caltrops. Planning a barefoot stroll through your lovely new garden? Think again, unless you enjoy a dash of pain with your petunias.
Even the seemingly innocuous mint makes the list. Rafi Friedman ominously warns, "if you see some growing in the ground instead of in pots, run." Mint might be great in a mojito, but in a garden, it’s a land grabber that Napoleon would envy. It doesn’t just grow; it conquers.
Navigating a yard sale has never been more literal. Every plant purchase could potentially catapult you into botanical battles that dwarf any issues inside the home. It’s no longer about checking for leaky roofs or faulty wiring; now it’s about interrogating daisies and giving the stink eye to suspicious-looking shrubs.
So, dear house hunters, heed the warnings. A garden might look like Eden, but without a careful check, you might just be stepping into a vegetative vortex that’ll suck up your time, money, and sanity. And for those of you already entangled in the leafy clutches of these botanical beasts, maybe it’s time to consider paving paradise. Just don’t plant any bamboo in the process.