Ah, Tennessee, the land of whiskey, music, and, apparently, a legislature determined to keep us on our toes as we stumble into 2025. If you thought the fireworks at midnight were the only explosions to kick off the year, you clearly haven’t taken a gander at the new batch of laws ready to invade your daily life. Buckle up, folks, because it’s time for a snarky stroll through Tennessee’s legislative buffet of "Why nots" and "Oh, reallys."
Online Babysitting for the TikTok Generation
Let’s kick things off with the Protecting Minors from Social Media Act, where Tennessee takes a firm stand on what it clearly views as the digital Wild West. Social media platforms now need to get a parental permission slip before little Jimmy or Jane can sign up to post dance videos or complain about algebra homework online. That’s right, the state has decided that parents who can’t figure out how to use their phone’s flashlight are now the gatekeepers of their kids' online lives.
Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the noble effort to protect the youth from “dangerous” online influences. Because surely, the kids who once outsmarted every parental lock to watch YouTube at 3 a.m. will totally respect this new law, right? What’s next? A CAPTCHA that makes them prove they can name all the members of The Wiggles before logging on?
Bartenders as Guardians of Virtue
Next up, we have a law that asks bartenders to become alcohol-serving superheroes. With a mandatory three-and-a-half-hour training course on sexual assault prevention and bystander intervention, Tennessee’s mixologists are now expected to wield their cocktail shakers while also solving society’s toughest problems. Who needs law enforcement or social reform when you’ve got Joe the bartender ready to step in?
Sure, it’s a noble cause, but asking someone who spends their nights refereeing drunk bachelorette parties to double as a sexual assault prevention officer might be... ambitious. What’s the curriculum? “How to Spot Trouble While Juggling Five Martini Orders”? Let’s hope bartenders get a shiny new cape to go with their newfound responsibilities.
Hazardous Duty Retirement: A Perk for Heroes
For all the brave souls in law enforcement and firefighting, hazardous duty retirement benefits are finally here. It’s about time, right? While most of us struggle to make it to 60 without breaking a hip, these folks have been running into burning buildings and chasing criminals. The new benefits ensure they can retire with a little extra cash—as long as they’ve got at least 20 years under their belts and don’t retire early because of, you know, the hazards of their hazardous jobs.
Translation: “We’ll reward you, but only if you manage to survive long enough to cash in.” It’s a step in the right direction, but let’s not forget this is long overdue.
Digital IDs: The Future of Buying Booze
Good news for the tech-savvy crowd: You can now use your virtual ID to buy alcohol at the grocery store. It’s a futuristic twist on the age-old dance of flashing your ID at the checkout line. If you’re wondering why this is necessary, it’s probably to keep pace with the robots at Amazon Go stores that can tell if you’re buying wine or boxed mac and cheese.
On one hand, this feels like progress; on the other, it’s just another way for you to fumble with your phone while a line forms behind you. Pro tip: Make sure your phone isn’t dead, or you’ll be explaining to the cashier why your milk has been sweating for 15 minutes.
Landlords and Their ‘Obligation’ to Be Reachable
Tennessee landlords now have to disclose their contact info and provide a way for tenants to request maintenance services under HB 1814. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, apparently, it took until 2025 to decide that renters deserve to know who to call when their roof starts leaking or when the HVAC dies mid-July.
Here’s hoping this law brings an end to the age-old landlord disappearing act. But let’s not get our hopes too high. Expect a few “This number has been disconnected” surprises in your future.
Taxing Hydrogen: Because Why Not?
If you thought your Prius was the peak of eco-friendly living, think again. SB 2307 ensures hydrogen gas is taxed just like other fuels. Because nothing says “Let’s save the environment” like squeezing a few extra bucks out of alternative energy sources.
The Highway Fund wins, the General Fund loses, and hydrogen drivers get to join the rest of us in grumbling about fuel taxes. Welcome to the club, hydrogen fans. There’s a free cup of cynicism at the door.
Birth Control: The Bulk Buy Option
Finally, some common sense sneaks in with SB 1919, which requires health insurers to cover a 12-month supply of birth control. It’s a win for people in healthcare deserts and anyone who’s ever found themselves stuck in the awkward “Oops, I forgot to refill” scenario.
Of course, this being Tennessee, it’s framed as a begrudging concession rather than a full-throated endorsement of reproductive health. But hey, we’ll take what we can get.
Final Thoughts: What’s Next?
Tennessee’s new laws are a mixed bag of progress, pragmatism, and “seriously, who asked for this?” As we ring in 2025, let’s toast to a future where bartenders moonlight as superheroes, landlords might actually respond to emails, and hydrogen-powered cars are just as grumpy at the pump as the rest of us.
Here’s to another year of legislative creativity—snark included. Cheers, Tennessee!