So, TikTok is facing yet another existential crisis in the United States, but don’t worry—its employees have been assured that their paychecks will keep rolling in, regardless of whether the app gets the boot. That’s right. Even if Congress decides to finally pull the plug on America’s favorite digital distraction, the 7,000 U.S.-based employees of the controversial video-sharing platform will continue to sip their oat milk lattes in peace.
And why is that? Because, dear reader, the billion-dollar machine behind TikTok isn’t exactly running on the tears of American teenagers alone. It’s a global empire, and the U.S. is just one very lucrative—but not irreplaceable—part of the puzzle.
The "Everything Is Fine" Memo
Let’s start with the internal memo obtained by The Verge, which assured TikTok employees that their “employment, pay, and benefits are secure” no matter what happens on January 19. This sounds an awful lot like when your friend tells you not to panic right before revealing they totaled your car. But, hey, corporate optimism is an art form, and TikTok is painting with a full palette of denial.
The company insists that “the legal challenges primarily impact the U.S. user experience” and not, you know, the fact that if they get banned in the U.S., they lose access to one of the biggest advertising markets in the world. That’s like McDonald’s saying that if all its U.S. locations spontaneously combust, it’s just an issue for American burger lovers—not for their bottom line. Sure, Jan.
The $100 Billion Elephant in the Room
Financial analysts have valued TikTok’s U.S. operations at a staggering $100 billion. That’s billion with a B. Most of that value comes from its eerily precise algorithm, which knows you better than your own mother. If this revenue stream dries up, you’d think TikTok’s “global platform” schtick would start to wobble. But, apparently, they’ve got contingency plans—because of course they do.
Whether it’s a legal loophole, a desperate American workaround, or some underground black-market TikTok operation run out of Canada, you can bet that they’ve thought of it. And if they haven’t? Well, congratulations, you just gave ByteDance a new project for Q1.
Biden, Trump, and the Never-Ending TikTok Drama
President Biden’s administration is apparently scrambling to keep TikTok alive, because there’s nothing more American than fighting for our right to doom-scroll. Meanwhile, President-elect Donald Trump, who will be taking over the day after the supposed ban, is mulling over an executive order that could delay enforcement for 60 to 90 days.
You know, because what’s a little more chaos between friends?
The political back-and-forth on TikTok has been a mess since 2020. One minute, Trump wanted it banned. The next, he wanted a cut of any deal keeping it in the U.S. Now, he’s positioning himself as TikTok’s unlikely savior. If he pulls it off, expect a flood of TrumpTok memes and political influencers doing dances to celebrate. (God help us all.)
TikTok's "Top Priority"—Its Employees (LOL)
According to the company’s memo, the “well-being of its employees” is a “top priority.” That’s corporate-speak for “we’re legally obligated to say this.” Because let’s be real—TikTok’s top priority is making sure it doesn’t lose access to America’s bottomless advertising dollars.
Sure, the 7,000 U.S. employees might keep their jobs for now. But what happens when revenue dries up? What happens when advertisers realize there’s no longer a way to sell trendy water bottles and overpriced skincare to Gen Z? The TikTok executives will be fine, but the rank-and-file employees? Maybe not so much.
Will TikTok Really Disappear?
Let’s be honest. Every time a TikTok ban is mentioned, it feels like a plot twist from a bad soap opera. We’ve been here before, and the app is still alive and well. Even if a ban does go through, TikTok will find a way to survive—whether that’s selling off its U.S. operations, striking a last-minute deal, or simply ignoring the ban and daring the government to enforce it.
And let’s not forget the real MVPs of the internet: VPNs. If there’s a ban, Gen Z will simply do what they do best—circumvent authority and keep scrolling.
Final Thoughts: TikTok Ain’t Dead Yet
So, what’s the takeaway here? TikTok’s employees are safe for now, the U.S. government is as indecisive as ever, and the app itself is probably not going anywhere anytime soon.
In the end, whether you love it, hate it, or simply use it to watch 30-second cooking tutorials you’ll never actually attempt, TikTok remains the reigning king of internet time-wasting. And no matter what the law says, it’ll take a lot more than a ban to make it truly disappear.
