By Captain Sarcasm, Reporting for Internet Duty
Ah, Ranger School. That glorious 62-day festival of mud, misery, and meals you can count on one hand. It's the military’s way of separating the wheat from the chaff, and then making the wheat carry a 90-pound rucksack up a mountain at 4 a.m. after two hours of sleep and one packet of peanut butter. It's brutal. It's legendary. It’s… getting a new fitness test?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought Ranger School couldn't possibly get any more punishing, the Army decided to innovate. Because if there’s one thing we love more than watching a guy do push-ups until his arms betray him, it’s watching that same guy run two 800 meters in boots, haul sandbags like a drunk CrossFitter, and play human forklift—all within 14 minutes.
Why, you ask? Because apparently the old test—49 push-ups, 59 sit-ups, six chin-ups, and a 5-mile run under 40 minutes—just wasn’t miserable enough. You know, despite the fact that it looked suspiciously like a CrossFit cult initiation already.
Let’s Talk “Functional Fitness” (Or, “Let’s Ruin Everyone’s Tuesday”)
The Army is pitching this new assessment as a more “realistic” measure of the physical demands of Ranger School. And sure, that’s technically true. But this new test reads less like a fitness evaluation and more like an episode of American Ninja Warrior after a whiskey bender.
Here’s the new lovely morning wake-up call:
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800-meter run (boots and uniform, because of course)
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30 dead-stop push-ups (no bouncing allowed, you filthy cheaters)
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100-meter sprint (because what you need after push-ups is a sprint)
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Lift 16 sandbags onto a 68-inch platform (68 inches is almost six feet, in case you’re wondering whether short people can just go home now)
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50-meter farmer’s carry with two 40-pound water cans (hydration is life, but only if you suffer for it)
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50-meter movement drill (crawl and sprint, or what toddlers do but on steroids)
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Another 800-meter run (because you thought you were done? LOL)
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Change into PTs, run 4 miles in 32 minutes
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Six chin-ups (for dessert)
Now, I don’t know about you, but this test sounds like someone pulled “boot camp” and “hazing ritual” out of a hat and decided to merge them into one glorious endurance blender. I half expected “wrestle a bear” to be the final round.
But... Why Tho?
According to Jennifer Gunn, Army spokesperson and professional deliverer of bureaucratic understatement, the new test will allow cadre to assess whether candidates can “endure the physical intensity involved in the Ranger Course, thus reducing risk during the course.”
Translation: “We got tired of people dying or passing out in Week One, so we figured we’d kill them a little sooner to save time.”
Let’s be real—Ranger School isn’t famous for its spa-like environment. This is the same place where grown adults hallucinate MREs dancing in the woods and people routinely forget how to spell their own names. And yet, somehow, someone in a cubicle decided: "We need more crawling."
Let’s Not Forget the Boots
Yes, this whole “let’s carry sandbags and sprint in combat boots” thing really drives home the realism. Because nothing says “elite leadership” like trench foot and shredded calves before breakfast.
But seriously, who thought combat boots were ideal for sprinting? Was it the same guy who brought back neckbeards? Because I have questions. Wearing boots during a timed sprint is like asking someone to run a marathon in ski boots while being chased by angry geese. Sure, it's technically possible, but why would you?
Oh right, because Ranger School.
Meanwhile, In Pentagon Conference Rooms...
This whole move comes amid the Army’s larger effort to revamp the ACFT (that’s the Army Combat Fitness Test, for you civilians still clinging to your Peloton subscriptions). Apparently, Congress got a little twitchy about the old ACFT being “too hard,” “gender-neutral,” and “not fair,” so now the Army is in full spreadsheet-and-coffee mode trying to balance readiness with reality.
While the Pentagon is debating whether or not to remove the leg tuck (because no one asked for that level of shame), Ranger School went the opposite direction. They added things. Because screw balance. Balance is for yoga classes.
Nostalgia for the Old Pain
Remember the good old days? The APFT: push-ups, sit-ups, a run. Simpler times. You got a few bruises, maybe a sore shoulder, but at least no one made you drag sandbags around like you were auditioning for World’s Strongest Man: Military Edition.
Sure, the old test was flawed. Yes, some people could breeze through it without being actually fit. But at least it didn’t require you to conduct an impromptu Home Depot workout in the dirt while being screamed at by a guy named Sarge who hasn’t smiled since Desert Storm.
So, Who Benefits?
Honestly? The cadre.
With this new test, cadre can weed out the “weak” before they even get a taste of the main course (which, if you're wondering, is 62 days of sleep deprivation, rucksack chafing, and yelling). It's the military equivalent of auditioning for Survivor by being dropped in Death Valley and told to “figure it out.”
Also, the logisticians must be thrilled. More gear. More setups. More opportunities to lose sandbags in the woods.
Meanwhile, drill sergeants are salivating at the chance to scream “FASTER!” while a poor soul drags his left leg behind him trying to hit the 800-meter mark before vomiting into his flak vest.
But Is It Actually... Better?
Here’s the kicker: This new test probably is a better indicator of who can survive Ranger School. It mimics the course’s pace. It requires strength, endurance, and mental fortitude. It doesn’t give you time to catch your breath, and neither does Ranger School.
But let’s not pretend this is some genius revelation. It’s the Army version of “Hey, let’s do a bunch of hard things back-to-back and see who falls over first.” It's brutal, it’s ugly, and it’s perfect—for an institution that prides itself on pain as a motivational tool.
Final Thoughts from the Peanut Gallery
This test isn’t about fairness. It’s not about science. It’s not even about “modernizing” fitness. It’s about tradition. A new tradition of making sure your soul is appropriately crushed before Day 2.
In a way, it’s kind of beautiful. The Army took one of the hardest schools in the world and said, “You know what this needs? More sandbags.”
So raise a glass (or a five-gallon water can) to the brave souls lining up for Ranger School class 06-25. May your sprints be swift, your sandbags lifted, and your farmer’s carries unaccompanied by a hernia.
And remember: if you fail this test, at least you can still say you survived the briefing. Probably while lying flat on your back, gasping for air, and reconsidering your life choices.
Godspeed, future Rangers. And may your boots never give you blisters… who are we kidding? They totally will.
