Ah, ICE. The agency that keeps America safe from the looming threat of, well, people who might have crossed an invisible line without the proper paperwork. But today, we're not here to discuss their deportation tactics or how much money they spend on flights for one-way trips to countries some detainees haven't seen in decades. No, today we have a much bigger, bureaucratic absurdity to tackle: the five-page resume limit.
Yes, you read that correctly. In a world where government job applications already resemble a gauntlet designed to test one's endurance and patience, ICE has decided that your resume must not exceed five pages. Because apparently, the key to homeland security is making sure your resume is as concise as a haiku.
Why Five Pages? Who Knows?
Someone, somewhere, presumably with a clipboard and an overinflated sense of importance, decided that six pages would be just too much. Was there a rogue applicant who submitted an eight-page resume that sent hiring managers into a spiral of despair? Did a well-qualified candidate's meticulous documentation of their extensive experience cause an HR meltdown? We may never know.
But what we do know is that ICE is now enforcing this arbitrary cap with the kind of dedication usually reserved for, well, enforcing arbitrary immigration laws. "If applicants submit a resume that exceeds the five-page limit, only the first five pages of the resume will be considered." Which means, dear job-seeker, if your critical skills and qualifications happen to be on page six—oops! Looks like you're out of luck.
Because Government Hiring Wasn’t Difficult Enough
For those unfamiliar with the exquisite pain that is applying for a government job, let me paint you a picture. You must:
Navigate an online portal that looks like it was last updated when MySpace was popular.
Answer a barrage of multiple-choice questions that often feel like psychological warfare.
Provide exhaustive details about every job you've ever held, down to the number of pencils you used.
Get past the "automated filtering system," which is probably run by a chatbot with a grudge.
And now, you must also ensure that your resume doesn’t spill onto a dreaded sixth page, lest it self-destruct like a Mission Impossible briefing.
What This Means for You, The Applicant
This new rule invites all sorts of strategic resume shenanigans. Need to include a crucial detail about your time investigating transnational crime? Well, better start reducing those margins! Want to showcase your extensive cybersecurity experience? Maybe you can turn that bullet-point list into a single incomprehensible paragraph. Font size 8, anyone?
Or, better yet, just remove entire jobs from your employment history. Who needs to know about that five-year stint leading high-stakes operations? Not ICE recruiters, apparently!
But Don’t Worry—ICE is Here to Help
To guide confused applicants through this absurdity, ICE has generously provided FAQs. Because when you create a ridiculous rule, the least you can do is create a separate webpage explaining the absurdity in detail.
Highlights include:
"What happens if my resume exceeds five pages?" – Spoiler alert: We throw out the last few pages, and you can go cry in a corner.
"Can I use small fonts and narrow margins?" – They don’t say you can’t, but you probably shouldn’t test their patience.
"What if my qualifications require more than five pages?" – Clearly, you must be overqualified. Go apply somewhere else.
Priorities, People!
With over 260,000 employees, DHS is on a mission to protect the nation from threats ranging from cyberattacks to—you guessed it—people who forgot to renew their visas. Yet, amidst all these critical responsibilities, someone thought, "You know what would really improve national security? Limiting resumes to five pages."
Imagine the brainstorming session:
"Sir, should we improve our hiring process to attract the best talent?"
"No, Jenkins. We should make sure no resume exceeds an arbitrary length. That'll solve everything."
What’s Next?
Given ICE's impeccable logic, we can only speculate on future hiring "improvements":
No more than three adjectives per bullet point. Descriptions must be austere and lifeless, much like the hiring portal itself.
Applicants must pass a PowerPoint slide test. Can you summarize your entire career in 10 slides or less? Bonus points if you use clipart.
Elimination of cover letters. Not because they aren’t useful, but because someone in HR finds them "annoying."
Conclusion: You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
For an agency that claims to be tackling international crime, illegal immigration, and threats to national security, ICE sure seems preoccupied with trivial bureaucratic hurdles. Maybe—just maybe—hiring the best people should take precedence over arbitrary resume limits.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just someone who managed to write over 3,000 words without a five-page limit.
