Ah, Solon, New York. The kind of place where you expect to find rolling farmland, the occasional deer, and maybe a quaint general store selling overpriced artisanal honey. What you don’t expect? A one-man crime saga starring neglected farm animals, illegal firearms, and a guy whose rap sheet is longer than the grocery list of someone on an all-kale diet.
Meet Kyle Heller, the 38-year-old local who, if his record is anything to go by, is basically the poster child for “Why We Have Laws.” When state troopers arrived at his home on Wildman Road (a street name that feels a little too on-the-nose for this situation) to check on reports of animal neglect, they probably thought they were walking into your run-of-the-mill farm mismanagement case. You know, a few underfed goats, maybe a sad-looking chicken or two. Instead, they found a dystopian petting zoo and a side order of an illegal weapons cache. Because why neglect just one category of responsibility when you can really go for gold?
The Animal Welfare Hall of Shame
Authorities ended up rescuing 41 animals from Heller’s delightful little sanctuary of suffering. The list reads like a weird Noah’s Ark situation gone terribly wrong: five goats, two cows, a pig, 28 chickens, four ducks, and one presumably traumatized cat. These weren’t just a bunch of barnyard buddies living their best life in the countryside. Nope. They were in such rough shape that they needed immediate medical attention. And given that farm animals are usually about as hardy as they come, that’s saying something.
It really takes a special kind of neglect for farm animals—creatures that are known for thriving in some pretty questionable conditions—to require urgent veterinary care. But hey, when you’re busy hoarding illegal firearms and evading various felony laws, I guess “basic animal care” falls pretty low on the priority list.
From Chickens to Firearms: The Logical Next Step
So, as troopers were busy wrangling the malnourished livestock and presumably dodging whatever farmyard diseases were incubating on that property, they stumbled upon something else: an impressive little collection of illegal weapons. Because if your track record already includes kidnapping, home invasion, and assault, why not round it out with some firearms charges?
In the house, authorities found an assault weapon and several large-capacity magazines. A photo released by police shows six guns, including two with scopes, and a pile of five high-capacity magazines. You’d think someone with a felony conviction—which legally prohibits him from possessing firearms—would maybe, just maybe, lay low on the whole “illegal weapons stash” thing. But no.
Instead, Heller seems to have decided that if he was going to be bad at one law, he might as well be bad at all of them. Like a criminal overachiever.
A Trip Down Heller’s Criminal Memory Lane
And just in case you thought this was some first-time offender who made a few “oopsies” in life, let’s revisit this man’s greatest hits:
2016: Heller abducts his 18-month-old son, leading to an Amber Alert and a wild chase. While on the run, he decides breaking into two homes to steal food and clothing is a solid survival strategy. Because nothing says “I’m a responsible father” like kidnapping and burglary.
2016 (again, because why stop there?): Accused of hitting and choking his girlfriend. Classic.
2011: Accused of forcibly touching a woman in Cortland County.
Honestly, at this point, I’m starting to think that if there’s a crime checklist out there, Heller has been dutifully trying to complete it like it’s some kind of felonious scavenger hunt.
Nine New Charges to Add to the Collection
As a reward for his dedication to breaking laws, Heller has been gifted nine shiny new criminal charges, including:
Third-degree criminal possession of an assault rifle
Four counts of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon
And that’s just on the weapons side. The animal neglect charges are still pending, because apparently, the justice system needs a little extra time to process just how one man managed to be terrible in so many different ways at once.
The Big Picture: A Walking Disaster of a Human Being
If there was ever a case study in why background checks exist, why felons shouldn’t have guns, and why animal welfare laws matter, Kyle Heller is it. This guy isn’t just a bad pet owner or a guy who made a few mistakes—he’s basically a one-man crime spree with a bad attitude.
What’s the lesson here? Well, for starters, maybe the authorities should’ve checked in on this guy a little earlier. And if you’re ever driving down Wildman Road, maybe just keep going. Fast.
