eOpicle

There is a specific kind of question that sounds simple until it detonates in your brain. “What beauty products are you loving right now?” It’s the beauty equivalent of being asked, “So who are you, really?” on a third date. You can’t just answer quickly. You can’t be honest without oversharing. And if you try to explain properly, you’ll end up talking for forty-five minutes, gesturing wildly, and referencing at least one formative childhood memory you did not plan to unpack. Because beauty, if you’ve been doing it long enough, stops being about mascara or moisturizer and starts being about systems. Rituals. Control. Comfort. Nostalgia. Identity. The fantasy that this time— this serum, this towel, this vaguely expensive oil that smells like rain on a ghost’s jacket—you will finally transcend being a person who occasionally wakes up with a mysterious new blemish and a sense of low-grade dread. So when people ask what I’m loving right now, my mind doesn’t go blank because there’s ...

There are few things in life you can count on: death, taxes, and the beauty industry discovering a new microscopic particle to worship like it’s the second coming of retinol. And right now, the cult leader du jour is the exosome , a tiny extracellular bubble being sold as the skincare equivalent of a divine courier pigeon, hand-delivering messages of renewal and regeneration to the cells of your slowly collapsing face. TikTok, of course, has already declared exosomes the next revolution in anti-ageing — because if there’s anything we should trust with our health, it’s a platform where teenagers use car oil for contour and people argue that sunscreen is a government psy-op. Dermatologists are cautiously hopeful. Cosmetic companies are building exosome-themed shrines in their R&D departments. And the rest of us are sitting here wondering why, exactly, a £430 serum is telling us it can reverse the clock when it can’t even reverse the fact that we spent £430 on a serum. But before y...

Another month, another alphabet soup of miracle creams, celebrity sprays, and $145 silk hair hats. Bazaar’s beauty team has once again roamed the land like glittery Indiana Joneses, returning with twenty-one alleged treasures. And here I am—armed with caffeine and sarcasm—to lead you on a guided tour through this glossy bazaar of… well, Bazaar. Let’s unpack each product, eye roll by eye roll. 1. The Neutral Shadow Palette: Beige, but Make It $15 Hourglass Curator Eyeshadow Palettes promise effortless elegance for people with three minutes and a toddler . Translation: You, too, can smear taupe on your eyelids while your offspring demands dinosaur-shaped waffles. Is the palette good? Probably. But the snarky math is clear: $15 for four squares of “no one will notice” is the price of a movie ticket—except this beige spectacle plays out only on your face. Neutral? Yes. Memorable? About as much as yesterday’s oatmeal. 2. Eyeliner for “Mature” Skin: Wrinkle Camouflage in a Stick Sa...

Oh, beauty trends. Just when you thought we’d run out of ways to make women spend $30 on something that looks like nothing, here comes ghost lashes . That’s right, ladies. Mascara is out. Barely-there lashes that whisper, “I swear I exist” are in. If you can see them, you’re doing it wrong. Welcome to the era where we pay good money to look like we didn’t try—because, plot twist, we actually tried very hard to look like we didn’t try. What the Heck Are Ghost Lashes Anyway? You’ve heard of ghosting in relationships. Now get ready to ghost your own eyelashes. According to the beauty prophets, ghost lashes are the “natural, your lashes but better” look. Translation: stop clumping on mascara like a raccoon in heat . Instead, embrace lashes so subtle they may require a magnifying glass to confirm they exist. It’s like “no makeup makeup” but for eyelashes. The beauty industry really said, “How about we convince women to buy even more products to look like they bought none?” Genius, ho...

Ah, Dua Lipa. Pop princess. Brow queen. Walking, singing billboard for every high-end product that costs more than your grocery budget. According to the latest Vogue expose, we now know exactly how she gets that radiant, dewy, could-blind-a-pilot kind of glow. Spoiler alert: it’s not genetics, water, or inner peace—it’s 37 different products that cost more than your monthly student loan payment. If you thought Dua woke up like this because of good sleep and sunscreen, sit down, sweetie. You're about to get a crash course in celebrity-level skincare delusion —I mean, routine. The Glow Blueprint: Start with a Little Bovine Juice and a Magnesium Chaser Dua kicks things off with colostrum powder —yes, that’s right. Colostrum. The milky fluid that mammals produce after giving birth. Because nothing says “glow” like sipping cow afterbirth with your morning electrolytes. Armra Colostrum Premium Powder – $56. If you’re not drinking powdered baby cow secretion from a $56 container e...

Oh, what a time to be alive. World crises rage on, billionaires shoot themselves into space for Instagram clout, and here we are, blessed — blessed — with the urgent, earth-shaking knowledge that actress Triptii Dimri once stole eyeliner from her aunt. Stop the presses , y'all. This is Pulitzer stuff. In a recent interview that Vogue India probably spent about eight minutes editing between sips of matcha, Triptii — best known for her role in Animal , and now, unofficially, for her vague skincare enthusiasm — opened up about childhood scents, DIY face masks, and the ever-critical skill of "looking good enough to care but messy enough to be artsy" in just ten minutes. We must bow down. And if you think I’m kidding, oh no. This is the real tea : crayons are now canonically a part of a sophisticated scent journey. Move over, Byredo. Crayola's coming for your brand. Scent of a Childhood: Crayons, Erasers, and Existential Dread Apparently, when Triptii digs into the m...

Ah, The Guardian. The self-proclaimed bastion of independent journalism, except for that tiny little detail where they earn commissions if you buy something through their conveniently placed affiliate links. But fear not, dear reader, because while they may subtly nudge you into purchasing overpriced beauty products under the guise of sustainability, I’m here to give you the snark-laced truth. Refillables: The Future of Beauty or Just Another Corporate Gimmick? So, let’s talk about this whole “refillable beauty” trend. The idea is simple: instead of tossing out your empty mascara, shampoo bottle, or overpriced serum container, you just buy a refill. Sounds great, right? Less waste, less guilt, and—allegedly—less money spent. The Guardian’s beauty guru Anita Bhagwandas seems to think so, listing an entire arsenal of refillable products that will apparently save both the planet and your wallet. Except, well, let’s do some quick math. Take the Living Proof Full Shampoo as an example. A r...