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No more quick clicking equals more cash in the bank, fewer boxes on my porch, and significantly less shame. There is a very specific sound my phone makes when an order confirmation hits my inbox. It’s not an actual sound, but my brain hears it anyway. A soft little cha-ching , followed by the distant rumble of regret warming up in the bullpen. For years, that sound ruled my financial life. I didn’t grow up reckless with money. I grew up reasonable . Bills got paid. Savings existed in theory. But somewhere between one-click purchasing, targeted ads that know my emotional state better than my therapist, and the illusion that $19.99 “doesn’t really count,” I became an adult with a steady income and a mysterious talent for buying things I absolutely did not need. The breaking point wasn’t a luxury handbag or a spontaneous vacation. It was a kitchen appliance. A sleek, promising countertop miracle that promised to “change how I cook forever.” I used it twice. Twice. Once to prove it worked....

Because apparently the robots are here to help… and also to judge your DoorDash habit. Introduction: AI Is Everywhere—Including Your Wallet, Your Bank App, and Probably Your Browser History There was a time when “artificial intelligence” meant Skynet, Terminators, and late-night Reddit threads arguing about the ethics of robot consciousness. Now it means an app that tells you, with passive-aggressive enthusiasm, that you spent $487 last month on “miscellaneous snacks.” Yes, welcome to the future: you, a well-intentioned adult who still forgets to cancel free trials, are now living through the Great AI Revolution—complete with budgeting bots, investment algorithms, savings assistants, automated negotiators, and credit-score whisperers. The personal finance industry has become the hottest place for AI developers since someone said, “Hey, what if we put faces on NFTs?” In 2024, AI-powered personal-finance tools raked in $1.48 billion—because nothing grows faster than a market built...

I. The Theater of Dreams (and Debt) Once upon a time, Old Trafford was where footballing dreams were forged. Now, it’s more like the world’s most expensive debt museum — complete with leaky roofs, overpriced scarves, and Sir Jim Ratcliffe pacing the stands like a man who just realized his new Ferrari came without an engine. Manchester United’s latest financial report reads like a cautionary tale written by Charles Dickens and audited by Goldman Sachs. Record revenues of £666.5 million — a number that feels almost diabolically poetic — paired with yet another £39.7 million pre-tax loss. Six years in the red. Six years of insisting that things are “turning around soon.” It’s as if the club’s accountants are playing Financial Limbo: how low can cash flow go before the Glazers start pawning off the trophies? Yes, United are rich. But they’re also broke. A paradox so powerful it could only exist in Manchester. II. The Ratcliffe Revolution: Less Champagne, More Spreadsheet Enter Sir ...

It’s August 2025, and the UK has once again discovered that its wallet is empty, its credit card is maxed out, and the government is trying to look respectable while digging under the sofa cushions for loose change. The conversation has turned, as it inevitably does, to that magical question: how do we fix Britain’s public finances? Enter the panel of economic sages, each armed with a pet idea and the grim determination of people who know they’ll be ignored by politicians anyway. Their suggestions range from “raise income tax, just get it over with” to “invest in growth and hope for the best.” Naturally, every idea comes with its own political landmine, because nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like detonating your re-election chances. But let’s not just summarize these respectable proposals. Let’s dissect them with the honesty and snark they deserve. Because if you think anyone’s walking out of this budget debate with clean hands and a clear conscience, you’ve clearly mistaken We...

Let’s all give a polite round of applause to America’s largest banks. They just survived another game of Federal Reserve “financial apocalypse pretend,” emerging with bruises no worse than a mild accounting hiccup and a subtle wink at Jamie Dimon’s tan. The June 2025 stress test results are in, and guess what? All 22 mega-banks passed with flying dollar signs, just in time to help the Trump administration justify a looser regulatory leash. Because if there's one thing this economy needs right now, it's more freedom for trillion-dollar institutions to self-regulate. A+ for Apocalypse Preparedness (Sponsored by the Lobbyists’ Union of America) This year's stress test hurled everything short of alien invasion at the banks: an 8% GDP contraction, 10% unemployment, 33% crash in home prices, and a glorious 50% wipeout in the stock market. The outcome? The banks—JPMorgan, Bank of America, Citi, Wells Fargo, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and their $100 billion-and-up club buddie...

Good morning, America! Welcome to your regularly scheduled programming of Let’s Pretend This Will Solve the Systemic Issue. Today’s episode: High schoolers are learning personal finance! Cue the confetti made of shredded loan agreements and expired coupons. Yes, you read that right. The same students who once needed to be reminded not to microwave metal are now being handed the keys to their financial future in the form of a “stand-alone” class. Because, naturally, if we just teach kids what a 401(k) is before they’ve mastered not losing their debit card at the Taco Bell drive-thru, everything will turn out just fine. Adulting 101: Crying in Excel Let’s just start with the word: Adulting . Nothing says “you’re doomed” like turning a noun into a verb to make managing your life sound trendy. “Adulting” is what you call it when you file your taxes, clean out the fridge, and cry because your credit card interest rate is higher than your GPA. Now, schools are introducing “financial li...

There’s something deeply American about pretending everything’s fine while your financial house is quietly on fire. It’s the economic equivalent of slapping a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign over a gaping hole in the drywall. And according to the latest data, that drywall might just be load-bearing. So let’s talk about it: America, land of the free, home of the increasingly broke. Sure, the aggregate numbers make it look like we’re all living our best lives on a yacht powered by S&P 500 gains and vibes. But, as Axios’ Neil Irwin helpfully reminds us, “nobody lives in the aggregate.” Which is economist-speak for: Your rich neighbor is fine, but you might be screwed. The Great Economic Mirage Let’s start with the magic trick at the heart of modern American economics: the illusion of prosperity. On paper, everything looks chef’s kiss . Household net worth hit $160.3 trillion in Q4 of 2024, a 9.3% jump from the year before. Hooray! We’re rich! Except… who’s “we,” exactly? Because if you...